On the Similarities between my Love Life and the Gobi Desert

I realized that, as of November 26th, I have officially been single for four years. I acknowledge that a good many of my friends would cringe at the very thought spending that length of time "alone," but that's where I am. And it's not horrible. Well, the being single bit isn't the hard part. The hard part... that's what this post is about.

Just because I haven't had a girlfriend doesn't mean I haven't developed feelings for people (though, I will admit, I did not have feelings for anyone for a good two of the years). And maybe it's a skill I've developed over the years. Maybe I'm born with it. Maybe it's Maybelline. Whatever the cause, I have a very keen intuition when it comes to sniffing out romantic partners, and that has been the reason for my singleness. Seriously, I will know whether we will work out anywhere from right away to three days after we meet/start talking. Or actually, let me rephrase that; I'll know all of the reasons we won't work out within that time.
Don't get me wrong, it's great for avoiding potentially dangerous situations (I didn't listen to it once, and that became the source of most of the depressing posts that happened a few years back), but dang, is it OBNOXIOUS! Especially when I think I'm not going to be single anymore for the first time in years.

The source of this post is from that following frustration when my intuition tells me something that I just can't ignore.
Here's a little sample of the diologue:

Me: "Oh my gosh, I get jitters every time I think about her. We have so much in common, and she's Catholic, and oh my gosh, I think she might like me too and-"
Intuition: *ahem*
Me: "...pardon?"
Intuition: "Run."
Me: "What?"
Intuition: "Run. She's crazy."
Me: "I don't know what you're talking about. She's such an amazing person. We have so much in common!"
Intuition: "Doesn't matter. She's crazy. She'll wreck you. You're digging yourself into a deep hole, buddy."
Me: ".....You're crazy! I can't believe you'd say-"
Intuition: "SEARCH YOUR FEELINGS, YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE!"
Me: ".... No... That's... THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE! NOOO!!"
Me: *Let's go of ledge*
Me: *Falls and screams about missing hand*

Seriously, though. It's a bummer. That was a bit of an extreme case, though. The cases I run into now are a bit more benign.

Me: "Wow, she's hilarious, she's fun to talk to, she's really cute, and super outgoing! And she's Catholic too! And she practices! This is awesome, I think I might ask her out-"
Intuition; "Hey!"
Me: "...Yeah?"
Intuition: "Hey! Listen!"
Me: "...."
Intuition: "She's not for you."
Me: "What?"
Intuition: "She's not for you."
Me: "But we've hit it off so well! She seems-"
Intuition: "Controlling? Yes. Respect issues? Yes."
Me: "....I've known her for a week."
Intuition: "Yeah, pretty scary, right, that I'd know that already? You'd best sit back and let this one go."
Me: "....Well we could work it out. We could make it work, right?"
Intuition: "That is true. But is it really what you want? Can you imagine spending the rest of your life with her?"
Me: "....Well, I'm not going to think that far ahead yet. We don't know each other yet, we'll just be dating!"
Intuition: "....Yeah. Just dating. And remind me why you date again?"
Me: "To find your future spouse....."
Intuition: "And what'll your answer be when that question comes up?"
Me: ".....Y'know, I really hate you."
Intuition: "You're welcome."



So yeah. There's a reason that I'm single. And there's a reason that I compare my intuition to Navi (for those of you who got that reference).

Despite the fact that I really hate it sometimes and just wish I could date people like a normal person, it has saved me a crapton of heartache. It's not the hero I want, but it's the hero I deserve. It'll be the one sitting back and smiling when I finally do meet "the one" if she is out there. It's kind of like the "Dark Knight" in my life.
It holds me accountable to myself, my values, and my desires in a relationship.

Just for the record, I wanna take some time to discuss what I'm waiting for, what I'm praying for.
I want a woman who:

• Is a woman (might as well start with the basics, right?)
• Is in control of her life
• Can clean up after her own messes (doesn't expect me to "deal with" or "accommodate" for her issues)
• Is self-confident
• Inspires me to be a better man
• Admires and respects me
• Can take care of herself
• Trusts me to take care of myself
• Is in love with the Lord
• Is loyal to her values
• Trusts me as a competent leader
• Identifies me not as a collection of issues and insecurities, but as the strength that I use every day to fight for a better life

It's a bit of a tall order for sure.

But I know what less than that looks like.

I have divorced parents. My family has had a less than glorious track record when it comes to relationships in general, much less romantic ones.

I have seen very little in my lifetime to suggest that anything good comes of romantic relationships at all.

But that being said, I will break that chain.

I will not settle.

I will not swallow my doubts and just "go with it" because it's what is "normal."

I will not run and hide. I will fight.

I know what I deserve. I know what my children deserve. I know what my parents deserve, and nowhere in that is watching me repeat the same mistakes that have harmed us for generations.

So, to return to my initial point, yes, I do hate my intuition sometimes. Yes, I do hate the fact that I can't just have a girlfriend. But at the same time, it is what will carry me past my family's failures and into not only healthier romantic relationships, but healthier friendships as well.

Forget will, it already has. It's a journey, but I've been consistently getting stronger, and though I'm not there yet, I'm closer than I was yesterday, and that's all that matters.

So, all of you who come from bad situations: Just because the cards are stacked against you doesn't mean that you can't stand up and fight for a better world. It means the fight is harder, but it also means that you are stronger for choosing to fight. It means you will fall down, you will fall back into old patterns, but you will learn from that and you will get up, and you'll drag yourself a little farther towards your goal. You will slowly start to see the chains of the past loosing their hold, and you will look back and marvel at how far you have come.

Hold on to hope. Hold on to faith.

You will make it.

That's all. :)

T-WAC

A Necessary Update on my Love Life

Hello all,

So, in the event of going to a new school, and having a new start to everything, what is on your list of priorities? Or actually, cutting to the chase here, how high is finding a significant other on that list?
I'll admit, while finding a girlfriend at my new school wasn't extremely high on my list of things to do, it was definitely a much higher priority than I'd care to admit.
And, well, I did fall for someone, for a short time at least.

A little bit of background info: I'm not the kind of guy who'll fall for someone at the drop of a hat.
And from 2012 until the beginning of the fall semester 2015, I was practically asexual. Well, sort of. I didn't really develop feelings for anyone. Or really pay much attention to anyone's attractiveness.
If I do by chance fall for someone, my face meets the pavement faster than a Nascar driver on cocaine.

But, anyway, I did end up falling for someone at school.
And I wanted to ask her out. I really did. But I didn't.
After talking with her and getting to know her (and her nuances and expectations), I was fairly upset at the fact that our expectations for relationships didn't really align.
And it kinda sucks when you literally haven't dated for three years (closer to four now), you find someone you like, and then realize that you two not only wouldn't be compatible in a romantic relationship, but would be less than tolerant of each other in a romantic relationship. We'd fight. And not just a little bit.

So, at this point of my life, I did the one thing that made sense to me: I prayed about it.
And through that, God pointed out something that's been a problem for quite some time, I just hadn't been fully aware of it.
As a perfectionist by birth, I strive for self-improvement always. I always have to be a better person, always have to grow in some way, always have to become closer to that ideal of perfection.
That's not all perfectionism is, by the way. It's just the part that's really applicable. If you want a description of perfectionism, I'd gladly give you that in another post. But I'll just say that it is a very heavy cross to bear, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Anyway, I realized that much of my self-improvement was to the end of being able to hold up a stable, happy romantic relationship. I wasn't improving myself for the sake of making myself a better person, being a better servant of God, etc.; I was improving myself for someone else. My future was dependent on another person, rather than on my own happiness and on my relationship with God. And that doesn't fly.

So, that was less than thrilling news for me. And then came the question: what do I do with that knowledge?
The answer was simple: I was to live as if I had been called to chastity.
I was not to look for a girlfriend.
I was not to think about finding one.
I was not to do anything to try to become a better person for the sake of one.
I was to trust God and let him work in my life.
I was to focus on taking care of myself.
I was to remedy the deficits in my own social life (working too much killed it, and I've been trying to resurrect it since).
And if someone happens to walk into my life, and I have a really good connection with them, I was to LET IT HAPPEN.
Very straightforward, very simple.

Like when I took the forever alone challenge a few years back, I have found a great deal of peace from this. It's really cool to be able to be unencumbered by the pressure of finding someone to commit a great deal to emotionally, when the relationship may or may not lead to fruition.

So, as of now, I'm single. And I'm okay with that. I do still want a girlfriend, I do still want to get married, but firstly, I want to deepen my relationship with God. My faith is the only place I've been able to find unconditional and true happiness and peace, and if I worship a God who does that, why wouldn't I spend every bit of energy I have developing a relationship with him? To fall deeper in love with the Lord is my greatest desire right now, and because of that, I'm willing to wait for whatever he has in store for me.

Anyway, that's all.

Catch you later!

T-WAC

Status Report!

Yo, all.

Figured I'd say hi.
Haven't had a lot of chances to post lately, since this semester has been doing everything in its power to kick  my, erm, posterior.
I am currently running on less than six hours of sleep (most people's less than four), and I'm enjoying Nightwish's new album, "Endless Forms Most Beautiful" (which is pretty amazing).

I have to do a lot of research and finish a prelab for tomorrow, and I really don't want to do that.
So I'm taking a brief break here.

Like I said, this semester's been kicking my rear end in. It's not fun. I've seriously jacked up my credit load, and I'm paying for it. I mean, the material's interesting, but it's just sooooo much work.
You know that it's going to be a harsh semester when the first thing you hear when walking into your first class is, and I quote, "You guys are going to have a six to twelve-page reflection essay due on what's talked about today -- but don't be verbose."
Yes. This was legitimately the first thing he said to us.
Fortunately, those are over now. I'm currently researching the plausibility of creating a plastic refinery in Haiti to take care of their plastic problems, as well as to spur the economy, but I'm not even sure if the idea is plausible. Oh well. I'll figure it out.

Despite that, life at my new school is pretty good. It took a while to assimilate into the honors community, since most of them already lived together in another building, but I've managed. I might be rooming with one of my friends next semester, which would be pretty cool. I've become involved with the Catholic Student Union there, and that's absolutely fantastic. It feels so great to not be alone in my beliefs, y'know?
People really don't encourage the practice of or dedication to the Catholic faith that much, and it's so great to meet people outside my family who actually support that.
It's really helped me get closer to God, and I really feel a lot more love in my life, and that's really beautiful.

Computer Engineering is also pretty cool.
My grandfather was one of the first computer engineers, and has been programming and building computers for years. It's so funny that I'm following in his footsteps. I'm actually really honored. He is a brilliant man. I mean, if you build an organ during your leisure time, you've gotta be a pretty cool person.

Aside from that, I've got a lot of personal growth going on right now. Once again, the winds of change are blowing. It's a bit tumultuous, but it's going to be worth it.
I've had a lot of realizations of who I am, what I've been portraying myself as, and how much I've been putting up with.
I've realized how much I value respect, and how much that will be, and has been, the make-or-break issue in my relationships.
I've had to let people go, I've had to stand up to people, I've learned to be a braver person, and I'm learning how to stop giving a crap about what people think about me and my point of view. Quite frankly, the people who don't respect it or tolerate it are not worth my time.
I'm learning exactly how important it is to never settle for anything less that what you deserve.
It's reasonably difficult, but it's going to make my life much better.
But, for those of you who are so inclined, I would really appreciate prayers.
I am becoming the man I will be for the rest of my life, and I need all of the support I can get.


Well, that's all for today.
Got to get back to my homework.

See y'all later,

T-WAC