My Childhood Gems: Why I'm So Messed Up

When we look back at our early childhood, I'm sure we all have things we remember.

Perhaps we would wake up at the crack of dawn and play with our siblings (if we had any) and toys until 7:00 AM, when we would watch "Clifford The Big Red Dog" or "Dragon Tails" or "Arthur" on the PBS station, until Mom and Dad got up, at which point we would eat breakfast and maybe play outside afterwards.

Yeah, I bet that sounds pretty typical, pretty run-of-the-mill for the most of you. And I can't say my early childhood was very different. However, there were some things. A few things that most of us... well, most of us didn't have. I have compiled a list of my "Childhood Gems" here, the reasons I have a sick sense of humour and some rather... odd... tastes.

Ahem.

Gem No. 1: Combo Number Five

Now let me tell you something about my family. We've never been particularly apt in the social appropriateness department, least of all in the subdepartment of social appropriateness known as political correctness.

My grandmother on my mother's side is the prime example of this, as she could be in many ways what would now be termed as racist (she would do things such as squinting her eyes in an exaggerated fashion and immitating the man who took our order at the Chinese food place. "Oh, ya, you get awon large gen'el tso chicken? And two eggroll?").

Not that my grandmother ever saw the Chinese as anything less than anyone else. In her defense, she simply found the Chinese accent funny. Not that I believe that making fun of those of any race is in any way beneficial to society. But anyway.

My father had a video on his computer, a Chinese food parody of "Mambo Number Five" by some artist whose name I do not remember. My siblings and I would watch it and laugh hysterically.

Here it is:

Gem No. 2: WASSUPPP?!

Anyone remember the old Budweiser commercials? Yeah, those frequented my childhood. Dad has a number of strange interests, one of which is commercials. Here are a few of them.

...And naturally, people took this and made their own videos. I remember seeing this one as a kid all the time.

Funny thing is, I'm still laughing just as hard, if not harder, than I did when I was a kid.

Gem No. 3: Tank Girl

So, what music did ya'll listen to as kids? "Mary Had A Little Lamb"?

I have to say, I had my share of nursery rhymes. However, there were some other things there as well. My parents both loved a really campy and absurdly ridiculous movie from the '90s called "Tank Girl."

And, until Banana and I started singing the lyrics, the songs from the soundtrack frequented our ears.

I've posted a few of these before, but here are some of the examples:

Please note, Banana could not WOULDN'T go to sleep unless my mother blasted "Shove" and literally ran across the room with her back and forth.

And finally, the one that caused my parents to stop playing the soundtrack altogether when we started repeating lyrics.

Gem No. 4: Elfbowling

My parents have a very odd sense of humour, to say the least. Occasionally, as a child, I would walk in on one of my parents playing a game called "Elfbowling." In this game, you played as Santa, bowling down elves on strike at the end of a lane.

Pretty harmless. At least, until the elves started moving and/or taunting you.

"Fewer Toys! Higher Wages!"

"Gutterball..."

"Is that all the balls you got, Santa?"

My personal favorite was an elf saying "Hey, Santa," followed by all of them turning around in unison and pulling down their pants.

I think I got to play it once or twice.

As for the sequel, which was a shuffleboard match between Santa and his South Pole brother, and involved elves in thongs, on the other hand....

I said the Gems were messed up, not traumatizing.

These are the major ones, as these are the ones that I experienced at the earliest age.

This will probably be followed by a sequel, with other, later gems. I look forward to that.
As of now, I can barely keep my eyes open, much less look back at my childhood.

G'night all,
T-WAC