Just because I haven't had a girlfriend doesn't mean I haven't developed feelings for people (though, I will admit, I did not have feelings for anyone for a good two of the years). And maybe it's a skill I've developed over the years. Maybe I'm born with it. Maybe it's Maybelline. Whatever the cause, I have a very keen intuition when it comes to sniffing out romantic partners, and that has been the reason for my singleness. Seriously, I will know whether we will work out anywhere from right away to three days after we meet/start talking. Or actually, let me rephrase that; I'll know all of the reasons we won't work out within that time.
Don't get me wrong, it's great for avoiding potentially dangerous situations (I didn't listen to it once, and that became the source of most of the depressing posts that happened a few years back), but dang, is it OBNOXIOUS! Especially when I think I'm not going to be single anymore for the first time in years.
The source of this post is from that following frustration when my intuition tells me something that I just can't ignore.
Here's a little sample of the diologue:
Me: "Oh my gosh, I get jitters every time I think about her. We have so much in common, and she's Catholic, and oh my gosh, I think she might like me too and-"
Intuition: "Run. She's crazy."
Me: "I don't know what you're talking about. She's such an amazing person. We have so much in common!"
Intuition: "Doesn't matter. She's crazy. She'll wreck you. You're digging yourself into a deep hole, buddy."
Me: ".....You're crazy! I can't believe you'd say-"
Intuition: "SEARCH YOUR FEELINGS, YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE!"
Me: ".... No... That's... THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE! NOOO!!"
Me: *Let's go of ledge*
Me: *Falls and screams about missing hand*
Seriously, though. It's a bummer. That was a bit of an extreme case, though. The cases I run into now are a bit more benign.
Me: "Wow, she's hilarious, she's fun to talk to, she's really cute, and super outgoing! And she's Catholic too! And she practices! This is awesome, I think I might ask her out-"
Intuition: "Hey! Listen!"
Intuition: "She's not for you."
Intuition: "She's not for you."
Me: "But we've hit it off so well! She seems-"
Intuition: "Controlling? Yes. Respect issues? Yes."
Me: "....I've known her for a week."
Intuition: "Yeah, pretty scary, right, that I'd know that already? You'd best sit back and let this one go."
Me: "....Well we could work it out. We could make it work, right?"
Intuition: "That is true. But is it really what you want? Can you imagine spending the rest of your life with her?"
Me: "....Well, I'm not going to think that far ahead yet. We don't know each other yet, we'll just be dating!"
Intuition: "....Yeah. Just dating. And remind me why you date again?"
Me: "To find your future spouse....."
Intuition: "And what'll your answer be when that question comes up?"
Me: ".....Y'know, I really hate you."
Intuition: "You're welcome."
So yeah. There's a reason that I'm single. And there's a reason that I compare my intuition to Navi (for those of you who got that reference).
Despite the fact that I really hate it sometimes and just wish I could date people like a normal person, it has saved me a crapton of heartache. It's not the hero I want, but it's the hero I deserve. It'll be the one sitting back and smiling when I finally do meet "the one" if she is out there. It's kind of like the "Dark Knight" in my life.
It holds me accountable to myself, my values, and my desires in a relationship.
Just for the record, I wanna take some time to discuss what I'm waiting for, what I'm praying for.
I want a woman who:
- Is a woman (might as well start with the basics, right?)
- Is in control of her life
- Can clean up after her own messes (doesn't expect me to "deal with" or "accommodate" for her issues)
- Is self-confident
- Inspires me to be a better man
- Admires and respects me
- Can take care of herself
- Trusts me to take care of myself
- Is in love with the Lord
- Is loyal to her values
- Trusts me as a competent leader
- Identifies me not as a collection of issues and insecurities, but as the strength that I use every day to fight for a better life
It's a bit of a tall order for sure.
But I know what less than that looks like.
I have divorced parents. My family has had a less than glorious track record when it comes to relationships in general, much less romantic ones.
I have seen very little in my lifetime to suggest that anything good comes of romantic relationships at all.
But that being said, I will break that chain.
I will not settle.
I will not swallow my doubts and just "go with it" because it's what is "normal."
I will not run and hide. I will fight.
I know what I deserve. I know what my children deserve. I know what my parents deserve, and nowhere in that is watching me repeat the same mistakes that have harmed us for generations.
So, to return to my initial point, yes, I do hate my intuition sometimes. Yes, I do hate the fact that I can't just have a girlfriend. But at the same time, it is what will carry me past my family's failures and into not only healthier romantic relationships, but healthier friendships as well.
Forget will, it already has. It's a journey, but I've been consistently getting stronger, and though I'm not there yet, I'm closer than I was yesterday, and that's all that matters.
So, all of you who come from bad situations: Just because the cards are stacked against you doesn't mean that you can't stand up and fight for a better world. It means the fight is harder, but it also means that you are stronger for choosing to fight. It means you will fall down, you will fall back into old patterns, but you will learn from that and you will get up, and you'll drag yourself a little farther towards your goal. You will slowly start to see the chains of the past loosing their hold, and you will look back and marvel at how far you have come.
Hold on to hope. Hold on to faith.
You will make it.
That's all. :)