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Fairy Poodle

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Sing loudly, passionately, with all your heart, for you've nothing to lose.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

A Necessary Update on my Love Life

Hello all,

So, in the event of going to a new school, and having a new start to everything, what is on your list of priorities? Or actually, cutting to the chase here, how high is finding a significant other on that list?
I'll admit, while finding a girlfriend at my new school wasn't extremely high on my list of things to do, it was definitely a much higher priority than I'd care to admit.
And, well, I did fall for someone, for a short time at least.

A little bit of background info: I'm not the kind of guy who'll fall for someone at the drop of a hat.
And from 2012 until the beginning of the fall semester 2015, I was practically asexual. Well, sort of. I didn't really develop feelings for anyone. Or really pay much attention to anyone's attractiveness.
If I do by chance fall for someone, my face meets the pavement faster than a Nascar driver on cocaine.

But, anyway, I did end up falling for someone at school.
And I wanted to ask her out. I really did. But I didn't.
After talking with her and getting to know her (and her nuances and expectations), I was fairly upset at the fact that our expectations for relationships didn't really align.
And it kinda sucks when you literally haven't dated for three years (closer to four now), you find someone you like, and then realize that you two not only wouldn't be compatible in a romantic relationship, but would be less than tolerant of each other in a romantic relationship. We'd fight. And not just a little bit.

So, at this point of my life, I did the one thing that made sense to me: I prayed about it.
And through that, God pointed out something that's been a problem for quite some time, I just hadn't been fully aware of it.
As a perfectionist by birth, I strive for self-improvement always. I always have to be a better person, always have to grow in some way, always have to become closer to that ideal of perfection.
That's not all perfectionism is, by the way. It's just the part that's really applicable. If you want a description of perfectionism, I'd gladly give you that in another post. But I'll just say that it is a very heavy cross to bear, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Anyway, I realized that much of my self-improvement was to the end of being able to hold up a stable, happy romantic relationship. I wasn't improving myself for the sake of making myself a better person, being a better servant of God, etc.; I was improving myself for someone else. My future was dependent on another person, rather than on my own happiness and on my relationship with God. And that doesn't fly.

So, that was less than thrilling news for me. And then came the question: what do I do with that knowledge?
The answer was simple: I was to live as if I had been called to chastity.
I was not to look for a girlfriend.
I was not to think about finding one.
I was not to do anything to try to become a better person for the sake of one.
I was to trust God and let him work in my life.
I was to focus on taking care of myself.
I was to remedy the deficits in my own social life (working too much killed it, and I've been trying to resurrect it since).
And if someone happens to walk into my life, and I have a really good connection with them, I was to LET IT HAPPEN.
Very straightforward, very simple.

Like when I took the forever alone challenge a few years back, I have found a great deal of peace from this. It's really cool to be able to be unencumbered by the pressure of finding someone to commit a great deal to emotionally, when the relationship may or may not lead to fruition.

So, as of now, I'm single. And I'm okay with that. I do still want a girlfriend, I do still want to get married, but firstly, I want to deepen my relationship with God. My faith is the only place I've been able to find unconditional and true happiness and peace, and if I worship a God who does that, why wouldn't I spend every bit of energy I have developing a relationship with him? To fall deeper in love with the Lord is my greatest desire right now, and because of that, I'm willing to wait for whatever he has in store for me.

Anyway, that's all.

Catch you later!


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