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"Home is not places, it is love." -- "Home Is Not Places" by The Apache Relay

Fairy Poodle

Fairy Poodle

My Thoughts

Sing loudly, passionately, with all your heart, for you've nothing to lose.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Just a few more days....

I just have a few more days until the start of the next semester.
Needless to say, I am exceptionally psyched, given the fact that I've been bored out of my mind for the past week. I mean, once you start school, you don't know what to do with yourself when school isn't there.
My class list is pretty mundane, and I'm down to three again:
Abnormal psychology: I get to learn all about depression, eating disorders, cutting, suicide, antisocial personality disorders, schizophrenia, the effects of all forms of abuse on the minds of children and adults, and all of that happy, happy stuff.
Trigonometry: Fun with numbers! Except now, I have to do it with triangles, polygons, and other crazy things!
Beginning Spanish I: Yo ablo espanol? Si. Que pasa? Burritos? Tacos?

Yeah, pretty mundane. But I'm gonna know three people from my psych class, and I'm probably gonna be able to take the bus home with one of my friends from Engineering Graphics class until February. Which will be cool.
Then I'm taking Calculus I and Physics I over the summer, and then I'm heading right into Chemistry I, Calculus II, C++, and some other class that I don't remember. Back up to four. And then I'll be taking two classes over the summer after that two. I'll have graduated by Spring, 2014.
Yeah, it's a two-year school, and I've already been here for a year. But I had to finish my prerequisites. I mean, I could probably be at least halfway done with a liberal arts degree by now. But hey, I'm a total nerd. I love science.

Completely random, I know.
Anyway, back to the topic at hand.
And from there, it's off to live in a dorm, where hopefully I won't have the steriotypical nightmarish roommate hosting drug/alchohol parties while I'm trying to study for a particularly pressing exam. In fact, I don't want them hosting parties in my dorm AT ALL. I'm there to learn, not party all night and have to endure Quantum Physics class with an agonizing hangover.

Aside from that, throughout the duration of this vacation, I've, at the suggestion of one of my friends from school, started watching a TV show called "Daria."
Basically, it's about a teenage girl who speaks in a monotone and responds to most external stimuli, particularly that which comes from her family, with snide remarks, and comments that drip with apathetic sarcasm. It's absolutely hilarious. I find her monotone and sarcastic remarks hysterical. There are five seasons, and I've almost finished the third season. And surprisingly, it hasn't lost much yet. Usually a concept like this, around the third season, would have been completely ruined by a lack of originality by now. So, I must give it kudos.
For those of you who are wondering, here are a few of Daria's funniest quotes.

Anyway, in brief regard to those rather negative-themed posts a while back, I'm actually doing much, much better now. Perseverence is paying off. Just like it always does.

Oh, I bought "Imaginaerum" by Nightwish finally! It's absolutely amazing!

I'm going to be teaching starting at 9:00 AM tomorrow. That's when I usually get up. Crud.
Oh well. Soon enough, I'll be being jolted awake by the blaring sound of drums, heavy electric guitars, and orchestra or synthesizer, exploding from my radio at 6:00 AM. Then catching a bus and getting school at 8:00 for a class at 9:00. That gives me an hour to write music/write stories/write lyrics/do homework/work the heck out at the gym.
And speaking of things like that....
The other day, I was sick of sitting on my posterior end, so I got down on my back on the floor and started rapidly doing crunches. I did a whole bunch of them, probably for a minute straight, then stopped. Thirty seconds later, I was restless again. Boom. Another minute of rapid crunches. Thirty seconds after that. Another. I was convinced that I would make my abs hurt. It's the good kind of hurt. The hurt that means you worked hard, and are now getting stronger. Anyone who works out knows what I'm talking about. Anyway, the next day, I had an awful tightness in my stomach. It made me feel sick. I later remembered that I hadn't worked my abs like that in well over three months. Ouch. I'm almost better today.
Anyway, I'm gonna have to watch it when I go to the gym. Something tells me that getting on the bike for ten minutes with the difficulty increasing each minute like I did last Spring semester would NOT be a good idea.

Oh, lastly, a few days ago, because I was bored, and because I have no life, I was reading over my blog from the beginning, and I found that, when this started, I was writing funny things that had happened in my household. I laughed as I recalled Patar's unintentional swearing, our unorthodox dog training, all of those fun things.
I remembered how much fun that was to write about. And I decided that I'm gonna do that more often.
'Cause hey, in a family of seven, soon to be eight, anything can happen. And I mean anything.
I mean, there have been periods of time where Patar and The Bruiser have meandered aimlessly around the house, chanting in rhythmic, sing-song voices, miscelaneous, nonsensical collections of words and phrases until I start to think to myself, "If I hear 'Everybody DIE! 'Cause I'm a pretty butterfly!' in that sing-song tone one more time, I'm going to rip my shirt, turn green, and grow seven more feet upward and outward, screaming 'Hulk smash' like the intelligent scholar that I am."

Anyway, that's all folks.
I need to get to bed, 'cause I don't want to be half-asleep for teaching tomorrow.
I mean, I do teach my best classes when I have no clue what I'm doing, and I have no plan whatsoever (improvise the heck out of it), but that is null and void when I'm fighting to keep my eyes open.

Until next time,

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Police leave me alone....

Hey everyone!
Y'know the craziest thing happened a few nights ago!
Well, I've found that sometimes, I just need to get out of the house. So I'll get my coat and go for a walk. If I'm stressed, depressed, or upset in any way, I'll just take my mp3 player, turn on some relatively emotionally inconsequential music, and then walk down the street for a while. And then I'll come back feeling better.
Anyway, that's what I did last night. Usually, I take the back roads, but Mom didn't want me to, because there's no sidewalk, and she's afraid that I'll get hit. So, she told me I had to walk on the main road, which has sidewalks, but is incredibly busy, and I reluctantly agreed.
So, anyway, I turned up "The Jesus Record" by Rich Mullins and a Ragamuffin Band (hey, I needed something spiritual), and just started walking down the street and absently singing along. Yes, I sing along to my music while I'm walking down the street. Not loudly of course, given the hour, and the fact that I didn't feel like hearing obcenities from the residents of my street when my voice interrupted whatever they were doing. I walked all the way down one side of my street, then turned around, given that I was heading into the town adjecent to mine. Now, the town adjecent to mine, which is where I go to school, is not the prettiest town on the planet. And needless to say, when the town isn't particularly pretty, neither are the people. And though there was very little chance that I was going to be jumped, I didn't want to risk it. So I turned around and walked down the other side of the street. Now, around where I go to catch my bus in the mornings, there's a murky lake with a waterfall. Well, it's not really a waterfall. If you stand on the sidewalk and look over the stone fence, you can see the water from the lake running down a slanted gravel surface, coming out in a small river on the other side.
So, I ended up down there, and I stood, looking down at the water. The night was bitterly cold, and even with my gloves on, they did very little to keep my poor fingers from going numb. And the wind coming off of the lake, much the way that it comes off of seawater, oddly enough, was making it even colder. I didn't want to go back home yet, but it was getting kinda cold, and I just wanted to sit down for a bit. I wasn't going to sit on the stone fence. If I lost my balance for a second, that would mean a nasty fall onto a stone wall, and then being washed down into a river of icy water. No more T-WAC writing these posts.
So, I decided to sit on the ground against one of the posts of the stone fence. I shoved my hands deep inside my coat pockets, and then looked up at the stars. I couldn't see much, given the brightness of the streetlights, but the one directly above me was going out, so I could make out orion, and some of the brighter stars.
I have to say, it was very nice. Just sitting there... under the stars... yeah, every two seconds, a car rushed by, and yeah, I was cold, even with two jackets, but I've always enjoyed the night. There's something really special about it.
Here's where the weird part comes in.
A few minutes later a white-and-blue car pulled into the small parking lot across the street. Its lights weren't flashing, but they didn't need to be. I knew it was a police car.
I just sat there and looked up at the sky, pretending not to see it. One thought crossed my mind: "God, please don't let him be coming for me."
Though I was looking up at the sky, I could still see a man of a small to midsize build getting out of the car. A bright light shone for a moment, then I saw him cross the street.
"Oh God," I thought, "he's coming for me."
I continued to look up until his light shone in my face. "Hey, buddy."
Pretending I had just noticed him, I got up. "Oh, um, hello."
Now, at this point my mind was racing, trying to think of what offense I could have possibly committed. I wasn't loitering. At least, I don't think I was. I mean, I was on the sidewalk next to the lake. Not private property or anything.
"What are you doing out here?" the cop asked. His voice was a bit gruff, but not unkind. "You alright?"
The man was tall, a bit taller than I was, clean-shaven, and had his hair almost buzzed down to his scalp. He was a handsome guy, and he did have a cold demeanor, but it was only there because he needed it. He was, after all, a cop.
"I'm fine," I said immediately, pretty much without thinking.
"Where do you live?"
I pointed. "Down there. That way. On [censored] street."
I probably sounded like such an idiot, but oh well.
"Down there?" The cop asked gruffly. "What's your address?"
I gave him my address.
"And why are you carrying a flashlight?"
"Mom told me I needed to bring it." Then I added, "I hope I'm not breaking any laws or anything."
At this, the cop smiled briefly, then returned to his serious expression, though it had softened a bit. "No, I got a call saying that you'd been out here for a while, and I wanted to check up on you. You're not thinking of hurting yourself, are you? You're not gonna throw yourself off of the edge?"
Oh. That was it. Here I am, a teenager, on a bitterly cold night, in jeans and a black leather jacket with my hood over my head, sitting against a stone post by the lake, more specifically, by the slanted gravel surface that led beneath the road, a surface that, if I were to jump, would not only cause injury through the fall, but would lead me to a wet, icy oblivion. Okay, that image practically screams "DEPRESSED SUICIDAL TEENAGER" in capitalized letters.
"Oh no," I responded. "No, suicide is not an option for me."
Yeah, I know. Not the smartest thing to say. But it's true. Suicide ISN'T an option. God gave me my life, and I'm darned well gonna live it. Things have been bad for me for a while, but not THAT bad.
"Isn't it a little cold to be out here at this time of night?"
"Yeah, but I'm fine," I responded. "I'm wearing two coats and gloves."
"What were you doing out here?" He fired another question at me.
"Just, y'know, listening to music and looking up at the stars. That's all, really."
"Isn't your backyard a better place to be doing that?"
I sighed and then explained. "Sometimes I just need to get out of the house. I have a very crowded house. I mean, I have four, soon to be five younger siblings. I just needed some time to myself."
The cops expression, though it still retained some hardness, had softened substantially. "Do you have an ID on you?"
"No, I left my wallet at home."
"What's your first name?"
I told him.
"Last name?"
I told him.
"So, what's your date of birth?"
I told him that as well. He was taking down the information I was giving to him on a small yellow notepad with, judging by the way his hand moved, a pen.
He looked up at me, most of the hardness gone. "You should probably be heading home now. Do you want me to give you a ride?"
"No thanks, I'll be fine," I said, smiling. The cop smiled back. "Alright, bye then. Stay safe."
I began walking home, and the cop walked back to his car, and then walked up the street towards one of the buildings, probably to inform whoever had seen me that I was going home now.
I noticed that my earbuds had fallen out of my ears, and I plugged them in. Judging by the song, the whole encounter had lasted five minutes at most. But I was feeling better. I didn't want to go home yet, not until the album was over, but y'know, I did feel better.
I walked down my street, until I came to my house, and upon entering, I related the whole event to my mom, who seemed a bit concerned at first, but then calmed down when I told her I'd handled it well. My sister, Banana, on the other hand, thought that it was HILARIOUS that someone had called the cops on me for sitting by the side of the road.
After that, I drank a cup of tea, and then went to bed.
Yeah, they're probably concerned about me, or something. I mean, that cop did have to take down my information. I'm probably on their record for kids who are a potential hazard to themselves or something....
But I'm surprised that Mom and Dad haven't recieved a call about it yet. I mean, Mom knows what it's like to need space, as she grew up in a house with four younger siblings, just like I have, so she's fine with me going out for a walk if I need to.
But I can picture clearly in my head the voice of the cop on the phone:
"Ma'am, were you aware that your son was sitting by the side of the road near the lake on Thursday? Does he happen to have a history of depression, self-harm, and suicidalness, by any chance? ...are you sure? He hasn't had any thoughts of that lately, has he? Are you sure? ...Alright then. Has he been behaving strangely lately? Are you sure? ...Right. You should just keep a close eye on him, alright? ...alright. Alright ma'am. Yes, just make sure. ...Yes. Yes, yes. Goodbye."

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Happy 2012!

Should old acquantance be forgot and never brought to mind? I sure as heck have no idea.
But happy new year anyway!
Looking back, one word can be used to describe 2011: INSANE!
My entire life was kinda flipped over. And I'm cool with that.
Here's a basic review of my major highlights of 2011:
1. I Started College.
2. I got invited to the honors program.
3. I learned the value of having close friends -- you know who you are, thanks so much.
4. I reconnected with people I hadn't talked to in a long time.
5. I became more social.
6. I got more experience and advanced a maturity level. (LOL)
7. I started dating again.
8. I've really started writing better music, and am becoming more confident in my lyrics.
9. I got to know myself better.
10. I took my first honors classes.
11. I met people my age whom I could intellectually relate to. That means I'm not a freak, LOL!
12. I maintained good grades, even when schoolwork stressed me out to no end.
13. I had my first mature relationship.
14. I gained an understanding of the state of my emotional being.
15. I improved my teaching skills.
16. I learned the the town adjecent to mine is a filthy hole. Gotta love public transportation.
17. I learned the importance of emotional release.
18. I learned all about mental defense mechanisms!
19. I learned why Edward and Bella's relationship is NOT healthy.
20. I learned about things that I need to improve on.
21. I decided that, contrary to my previous plan, I'm actually gonna get as much scholarship money as I can and GET THE HECK OUT OF MY HOUSE!
22. I went to my first concert. Evanescence rocks! Thanks, Savanna!
23. My mom got pregnant, and I'll soon have a new younger sibling.
24. My church band started up.
25. I began to see myself as an adult.
26. I learned that sometimes it's just better to keep your mouth shut.
27. I learned that no matter how bad things get, no matter how much I hurt, no matter how depressed I am, I'm always gonna get back up, because nothing can keep me down. Over the last few months, as you have seen, I've been going through alot. I looked online for the diagnostic criteria for depression, and I defenitely do exhibit some of those traits. I don't think it's enough to be diagnosed with clinical depression, and if it is, it's very mild. I can't say I'm surprised. Depression runs in my family. I also looked up symptoms of PTSD, and I might, just might, have a very mild case of that. Now I know some of you are thinking "what could have happened?" Well, for the most part, it wasn't what happened. It was how I viewed it, how I reacted to it, and, because of these two things, how it made me feel. If I had viewed what was going on differently, it wouldn't be affecting me like it is. But I didn't view it differently because I didn't understand. I didn't understand that there was a problem with how I viewed it. I didn't understand what it could do to me, and to the others involved. But this experience has been good for me for a few reasons: 1) I now understand what caused this, and I can recognize when it happens, so I don't have to go through it again. 2) It helped me understand myself and others better. 3) It helped me realize that, in order for a relationship to work, SHE MUST NOT BECOME YOUR LIFE! 4) It has set me on a quest to establish myself as a fledgeling adult in this world. 5) It has shown me the importance of trusting myself. 6) (and perhaps the most important) It helped me discover an inner strength that I didn't know I had. I didn't know what was keeping me alive. Now I understand. If I'm beaten to the bottom, and I'm dragged through the asphault, I'm just going to keep getting back up. Why? Because I don't like to lose. I don't like to fail. Some people will keep going because they know it's the right thing to do. I keep going because I'm competitive. I'm not going to let something like this, no matter how much it hurts, ruin my life. This is MY life. God gave me my life and my right to live it. And I will live it. I don't have to be miserable. I don't want to be miserable. I have a RIGHT to be happy, and the only thing standing in my way is me. This has caused me to get back up and keep fighting on so many occasions. I mean, there are times where I've been in enough pain that I've had thoughts about developing some... nasty habits, we shall say. But I haven't. I decided that I wasn't going to. Because I won't accept that. I was born for success. I will make myself succeed. And no matter how awful things get, I'm never going to give up. To give up is to choose failure. And I hate failing anyway, when whatever I put in isn't enough, or when I botch up. The day I CHOOSE to fail is the day that hell freezes over.
Anyway, sorry about the rant. Yeah, I've got stuff to work out, and I may or may not explain in a little (but not much) more detail later.

Yeah, 2011 has been overall a good year. It's been a hard year, definitely, but it's been a good year.

Now on to 2012! Well, back to school in two weeks. I'm looking forward to seeing some of my friends there. I'm taking abnormal psychology, trigonometry and Spanish. Yeah, that'll be fun. Good news is, this is my last semester of prerequisites! I was kinda behind on my math unfortunately when I began, since the lowest requirement is Calculus I. So I'm taking that over the summer. And then, if all goes according to plan, I'll be out of there and graduated with an associate's degree in 2014. From there, I'm hoping that I can transfer to Embry Riddle Aeronautical University, either in Prescott, Arizona, or the location in Daytona Beach, Florida. Though I do love the west, and Prescott seems like a nicer location, Daytona Beach offers a degree in Engineering Physics, which is plain awesome! It's basically engineering spacecraft and stuff, and it involves space physics, and quantum physics, which are two really awesome fields. Of course, I might go into Aviation as well.
See, Embry Riddle is my five-year-old self's dream school. When I was five, I knew every part of airplane. I was obsessed. Most people don't know what ailerons are. I did, and I could point them out to anyone on any airplane. I was also obsessed with space, and with our solar system. I knew almost all of the information on the planets there was to know, except for all of the moons of the gas giants. I knew the major ones. All of the books said different things about how many moons there were.
Sorry. Got carried away with lyrical quotes there. Gotta love Trans-Siberian Orchestra.
The song is absolutely amazing. You should totally check it out.
TSO has a couple of really good songs. Here's another one that I found really really inspiring.
I was originally going to post the recording, but then I saw this.
Okay, Marco Hietala might actually have some competition for my favorite male singer. Might.

Yeah, kinda went off on a random tangent there.
Summary of the post:
1. 2011 had its ups and downs. It was a good year, but a very hard year as well. This is the year that I've taken some of my final steps towards adulthood.
2. Despite everything that's going on, I will get better. Not will try. Will. And I'm already putting that statement into action.
3. Looking forward to GETTING OUT ON MY OWN and hoping to transfer to the aeronautical university of my CHIIIIILLLLDDDDHOOOOOODDDD DREEEEEEAAAAAAAMMMMMSSSS! Okay, I'll stop now.
4. Trans-Siberian Orchestra is amazing!

Okay, I think that's about it.
And I'm actually posting semi-regularly-
How could I have forgotten that? How was your christmas? Mine was amazing. I got to spend it with my amazing family. I got a humoungous amp, some really good microphones, a few funny T-shirts, which I will be wearing to school, a few CD's, Acid Pro (a sequencer/recording program of awesomeness), and loads of love and cheer and goodwill. I love my family. It was funny. In the afternoon, Banana and I spent a few hours sitting together and watching... her new lava lamp. I'm serious. A few hours. Lava lamps are addicting. Once you start watching them YOU CAN'T STOP. They are so intriguing. We just continued to stare at it and stare at it and stare at it....

Oh, just FYI, for those of you who haven't heard, I'm writing a new song, and it's actually semi-positive! You remember all of the stuff I said earlier about how no matter how bad things get, I'm not giving up? Yeah. I'm writing it about that. Kind of a "you can't keep me down" type song. So far, I like it alot. I need to finish writing the lyrics, but I like what I have so far.

Oh, and one more thing: my piano's kind of going out of tune now, and I'm TICKED OFF!
The C above middle C sounds muted, and, for said new song, I use that C alot. And it drives me nuts because, while most of the other keys have a nice, clear, resonant tone, this one has a dull tone. EARGH!
Oh well. We'll get it tuned again soon enough.
And I still need to learn the rest of "Lithium" by Evanescence. And then I think my uncle wants me to learn "Someone Like You" by Adele. I'll have to listen to the song. I may or may not learn it. If it speaks to me, though, I'll totally learn it.

Okay, that was WAY longer than I intended, but whatever.
Hope you guys all have a great christmas and an exciting new year.

Happy trails!


Do Not Eat the Fairy Poodle!

Do Not Eat the Fairy Poodle!