A brief note to some friends

Just some words to some of my friends....


Savanna: Hey, I just wanted to say, thanks for being here. You're someone I can talk to about anything. I do feel kinda bad about getting you this far into my situation. But thanks for bearing with me. You rock.

Harpo: Yo, dude, wassup? Man, I know you're probably not going to get to see this, given that you don't know that I have a blog. Or do you? I don't really remember. Anyway, we used to hang out all the time, and we haven't for a while. DUDE, WE NEED TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE AND DO STUFF! Seriously, you need some sunlight. Stay inside much longer and then you'll start to sparkle when you go out! LOL. Or develop a serious aversion or whatever. Oh, and if you ever wanna talk about stuff, I'm here to listen. I mean, dude, you're my homie! Oh, and one more thing... YYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!

Shannon: You're probably not gonna read this either. But hey. I'm writing it anyway. You inspire me in many ways. When I was curled up in my little shell because of social anxiety, you dragged me kicking and screaming out of it, and you didn't give up on me. That's just one of the little things that makes you so awesome. You're one of a kind, as cliche as that sounds, and I've never met anyone else like you. You so totally rock!

Adam: Hey, dude. I know that I haven't exactly been... right... lately, but I'm getting better. We do need to hang out. I've got two weeks free at the end of the semester, though you're probably not going to read this anyway, given that I never told you that I have a blog. Oh well. But seriously, you're a really cool dude, and you probably don't realize that, but to be honest, it takes a certain kind of person to be "cool" in my eyes. You're one of very few. Rock on.

Rebecca: I think you read this, but I don't really remember. But you're the one who, when the whole world is telling me to rely on my own knowledge and understanding, tells me to trust in God. 'Cause God's who I need most right now. You really understand what it means to trust and to have faith, and that's admirable. God bless. :)

Adam: Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuudddddddddddddddeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
What happened, man? We need to start hanging out again, bro!
Oh, and your resemblance to Harpo is scary! We should totally do something. Hang out somewhere. Do crazy stuff. Oh, and how's your wife doing? LOL.
Oh wait... you won't be reading this. You don't know I have a blog either.

Laurinda: ....We've been through alot together in the past six months. Alot more than most people go through during six months. Just so you know, and pardon my use of a profane expression, I wouldn't still be here right now if I didn't care about you one hell of alot. I know it doesn't always seem that way, but know that I'm having just as many mixed feelings as you are right now. Feelings make things so illogical; they'll tell me one thing one day, and then something completely different a different day, and then I end up wanting to beat my head against a wall. Except not literally. LOL.
Aside from that, you get me better than anyone else, and you can read me like a book, which is so annoying, and that kind of balances out the fact I can read you just as easily. I mean, you know what's wrong before I know what's wrong, and that scares me. I also really enjoy talking to a fellow student who's technically too young for college, LOL. Seriously, you get everything. Being the oldest in a big family, being above average intelligence, all of that. And that's really cool.
I could take much longer to write something out, but let's just condense it a bit.
You're awesome.
And I am right.
I am always right.

Alyssa: You're another below-college-age student. Well, technically, not anymore. And you probably won't be reading this either. But I'm just gonna say it anyway. You are a cool person. I'm glad that I started talking to you last semester. You're alot of fun to talk to, and you're a very interesting person. I'm looking forward to having calculus and physics with you over the summer, and to having classes with you next semester. That'll be cool. I'll know somebody in my class!

Shannon: You're my sister, and there's not much that you don't already know. But hey, I can always talk to you or hang out with you, which is really cool. We've been through a black belt test together, come from the same man and woman, and were raised in the same family. Somewhere along the way, we've gotta develop a deep closeness. I love you, Banana.

I don't know why I wrote these. Half of you probably won't ever see them. But hey, whatever. It works.
Until next time,
T-WAC

Ramblings

Sometimes, you hurt.
Sometimes, you feel like you can't escape.
Sometimes, you want nothing more than someone to hold you and keep you safe from your demons, protect you from your fears, tell you that everything's gonna be alright.
It's those times that you know that, as much as it hurts, as big as all the problems feel, as afraid as you are, you have to go it alone.
For the sake of the other person.
For the sake of yourself.

A man I know once told me that he found life to be dull, rote, meaningless. There was nothing for him in it. Every day was just another day. Nothing he did would ever make a difference. We were all going to die. What fulfillment is there?
That reminds me of why I have faith in God.
He gives me a purpose. Without him, I would be nothing.
All I would be is another human on the hopeless road to death, trying to fill up his life with meaningless pleasures, trying to hide from the truth that nothing I do will ever matter.

"Don't take up music unless you'd rather die than not do so." -- Nadia Boulanger.

Nothing compares to the joy of that moment when you feel hopeless, depressed, upset, and someone close to you says, does, something that shows you that you're not alone, and that someone really, truly loves you, and is willing to show that love, rather than push you away.

"Fear is only in our minds, taking over all the time." -- "Sweet Sacrifice", Evanescence

The only way to conquer fear is to decide of your own will to face it.
No one else can conquer it for you.
No one else can force you to conquer it.
You must choose that path yourself.

When your heart speaks, you better listen, even if it tells you something you don't want to hear.
There. I said it. Now I'm officially a hypocrite.

Sometimes, it takes a stronger man to allow himself to cry than to push emotions away and hide them within the recesses of his soul.

Meddle not it what you do not understand.

She has seen my pain, when I was too hurt to cry, when I was frustrated, angry, upset, cold. As my fingers bent into her keys, she released a cry in a tongue that can be understood by all.

If I am stupid for believing what I believe, let me be stupid. It's no skin off your back.

A good friend of mine once said that we'll only regret chances we didn't take.

".....And there is no aspect, no facet, no moment of life that can't be improved with pizza." -- Daria Morgendorfer.

My faith journey (in a nutshell)

Setting: God and I, driving in a taxi to Paradise down a winding country road.

Me, looking ahead down the road: "Oh, I see where we're going now. Yes, there it is. I see it." (turns to God) "Thanks for the lift. I really needed that. But I think I'll be okay now."

God, looking concerned: "Are you sure? You'll get lost."

Me: "No, I got it, I'll be fine. I can see the way down the path. All I have to do is walk through that forest over there, and then boom. I'll be there. No sweat!"

God, sighing sadly: "That's what you said last time."

Me: "No. Seriously. I'll be fine. I can handle this. Really. You gave me a brain."

God: "And I also gave you free will." (frowns) "All right.... As you wish...."

God pulls the taxi over, and I get out.

Me: "Thanks again! See you later!"

God, from the taxi: "I'll be there if you decide you don't want to go on your own."

I don't hear. I'm already in the forest.

I walk out into the forest. I feel great. Using my expert sense of direction I walk due north, toward my destination. The birds are all chirping happily, and it's looking like it'll only take me a day to reach the other side, maybe less.

Next day:

Haven't reached destination yet. I continue on confidently

Me: "Oh, I'll be fine! I know the way. I'm good. I can handle myself. God gave me this excellent brain to rely on, I'll be fine! Has my expert sense of direction ever steered me wrong before?"

...I choose not to answer that question.

Next day:

Continuing forward, even though I'm convinced that I've seen this place before. I'm beginning to realize that my expert sense of direction isn't as expert as I thought.

Me: "Yeah, a minor setback, that's it. I'm fine."

Next day:

Trekking on, finding it harder to convince myself that I know what I'm doing.

Me: "Oh, I'll be out of here soon enough.... I'm fine-"

Cue torrential downpour.

"Fine-ish."

Next day:

Me, soaked to the skin, walking in circles, halfheartedly muttering: "I'll be fine.... Don't worry.... I know my way around.... I'm good...."

Next day:

Me meandering through the vines, shoots, and overgrowth: "I'll be fine.......... I'll be fine...... I'll-" (trips on a root and crashes on face) "Oh [expletive]! I hate this place! But I'm almost there! I can feel it (I think)......"

Next day:

I'm continually meandering through the underbrush: "Y'know.... This kinda gets me to thinking, I mean, not that this is probable or anything, but maybe, just maybe, this wasn't a good idea?"

Next day:

I stumble on a wasp's nest: "Oh crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap!" (bolts away, followed by half a million wasps)
Later: "Six, seven, eight, nine, ten.... So many stupid wasp stings! Could this get any worse?" (realize that I am standing in a patch of very familiar three-leaf plants) "Aaaaarrrrrrrghhhhhh!"

Next day:

Walking oddly through the bramble, trying to scratch the poison ivy itches without opening the wounds of the wasp stings: "Yep, I think that was a bad idea."

Next day:

Wandering, even more lost: "That was a very, very bad idea."

Next day:

Banging head against a tree: "Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!"

Next day:

Laying face-down on the forest floor: "It's hopeless.... hopeless!"

Next day:

Hasn't moved: "I'm doomed. I am so doomed. Nothing can-" (cell phone falls out of pocket) "OH YES! My cell phone! I can call God!" (starts typing) "Oh [expletive], I forgot the number!"

Next day:

Paces back and forth: "I can't believe it.... I can't remember the number.... What the crap.... I knew it just a few days ago."

Next day:

Looks up into the sky, tearing up: "I'M SORRY GOD!" (drops cell phone, hears a beep) "What's that?" (picks up cell phone) "Oh. It's in the phone book on my phone!" (almost drops the phone in joy, then selects number quickly) "Um, hello? Could you... um...."

God: "Already on my way."

Ten minutes later:

God pulls up in his taxi and rolls down the window. I walk over: "Um, God? Look, um, I was wrong. I was an idiot, and should've stayed with you. I know, that you're probably really mad right now, but I'm really, really sorry about that. Is there... um, can you... um...."

God: "Yes, of course, I forgive you. I will always love you no matter what. Why don't you get in the taxi. You look like you've been through hell."

I laugh weakly, then get into the taxi. Soon, all of the stings are gone, and all of the poison ivy is gone, and I'm feeling better. I feel better than I ever have before.

Next day:

Taxi is driving up a scenic route in the mountains. I'm feeling absolutely wonderful.
Me: "Well, thanks so much, God. This is so much better than what I was doing before."

God: "You're welcome."

Taxi starts decending the mountain, and heading towards the desert.

Me: "Oh, I see where we're going now. And I think I know what I did wrong last time."

God, looking unconvinced: "You do?"

Me, gesturing towards the desert: "Yes. Last time, I got lost because there were so many trees. But I know what to do now. Thanks for the lift, but I think that I know my way from here."

God, sighing sadly: "That's what you said last time."

Me: "But I really do this time. I can see straight across the desert, so I'm not gonna get lost."

God: "Oh your not?"

Me: "Yes, I'll be fine."

God, still looking unconvinced: "You'll be fine."

Me: Yes, of course I'll be fine. You gave me this brain, remember?"

God sighs: "Yes, and I also gave you free will. Very well."

Taxi pulls over by the side of the road. I get out.

Me: "Hey, thanks again. I don't know what I would've done back there if you hadn't helped me out. Well, I'll see you later!

God: "If you decide that you need me, I'll be waiting for you, and I won't hesitate to pick you up...."

Here we go again.....

So, that's it. My faith journey, in a nutshell.
See you guys soon,
T-WAC

Another short thought.

Grr.... Why -ow- can't I -ow- reach these stupid -ow- hedge clippers?
I've almost -ow- got them, just these thorns -ow-....

SOMEONE THROW ME A PACK OF BAND-AIDS!
BETTER YET, SOMEONE THROW ME A PAIR OF PANTS!

A short thought.

There is nothing I look forward to more than the day I'm back to my old self again.
The one that laughed, didn't always have things on his mind,
smiled 90% of the time because he was genuinely happy.
The one that wasn't angry, depressed,
didn't have to go through endless turmoil just to escape my own mind.
The one that was didn't have a window into the suffering of others,
the one that didn't have to watch helplessly and know that he could do nothing about it.
The one that acted crazy simply for the pleasure of doing so.
Back when dancing and air guitar were more than just defence mechanisms to keep the demons away.

But I want to keep some things from this one, though. The understanding of myself and others, for one, the
fact that I talk to people more than I ever have before, the lyrics I have written,
the love I have felt from my friends, the knowledge of how, when all of the walls come crashing down, when you've given everything you have, and more, until you're dead inside,
there's someone who will hold you while you sob and shake, even if no physical tears ever fall.
The knowledge that I'm strong enough to handle the life that God set in front of me,
that no matter how bad things get, there will always be a way to heal, find peace,
that even when you're thrust naked into the thorns, there is always a pair of hedge clippers waiting just beyond your reach, and if you really pull through it, try for it, fight for it, your hand will close around the handle, and the the thorns will be discarded to the ground.

There are some things I'll never be able to recover. And I'll accept that. It's part of growth.
I've learned about pain, but I've learned about hope, and I've learned about strength.
God's given me a choice, and I choose to rise up and walk, eyes dead set on the light that promises that maybe, when I've made it out of this mess, there's some kind of happiness that I can reach, dispite my curse of understanding.
Only those who have been beaten down to the very bottom are truly able to understand the meaning of true happiness.
No one is lost, unless they choose to be lost. No one is left behind, unless they choose to be left behind.
No one is broken beyond repair. There will always be scars, but there is healing there for those who seek it.
Hope is not something that can be lost, only hidden from view, but it will reemerge at your beckoning call.

And when it's all tearing apart, love is the one thing that remains with you forever.

Let God work, stay strong, and hold on to hope.
It will save your sanity.
It will save your life.