Different

Hey, all.

.... I've changed. Plain and simple. Not gonna beat around the bush, not gonna say something humorous. Yet, anyway.
But I've changed.
And one of my close friends helped me realize exactly how drastic this change was today. You know who you are, and I can't even begin to describe how much this has done for me.

Alot's happened lately.
Between school, my social life, and everything else.
To put it bluntly, I hurt.

It's kinda funny, when I look back at myself at the beginning of this semester, I see a happy, random, crazy, rather opinionated, loving person. But most of all, I see a child. Yeah, I'm seventeen. My age hasn't changed since then. But I was a child, taking the last few steps into adulthood.
I'm not a child anymore. I'm not an adult yet, but I'm not a child anymore.
I've borne witness to suffering and pain. I've borne witness to affliction and the costs of nievity. I've tried to give of myself to end it, and that has caused me to slowly begin to break.
I don't know what's going on, and I don't understand at all. And it's upsetting to see the effects it's been having on those I love. My mother has been very worried. The music I've been writing has been dissonant.

But I'm getting better. Slowly and surely, I'm getting better. Some of my very close friends (again, you know who you are) are helping me through this. My family is helping me through this. God is helping me through this.
Because I know that this is only temporary. It's not going to be permanent. I'm going to rise and fight. Because it's what I was born to do. I was not born to be incapacitated by sorrow and depression. I was born to live, to love. Because God never abandons his lost sheep.

"For even as I walk through the valley of death, I shall fear no evil." Or something like that. It's from psalm 23. Probably my favorite psalm.

Yeah, where I am right now is pretty Valley-Of-Death-Esque right now. I look in the mirror, into my eyes, and I see darkness. I found it curious, a few weeks ago, when I first noticed it. I found it odd, even intriguing. Yet now I recognize it as the same darkness I've seen in the eyes of many.

But I know that I'm never gonna give up. I'm not going to let myself die. If I were, I'd be letting my family, my friends, and my students down. But most of all, I'd be letting myself down. And that's ultimately the most important, because God gave me my person. And I'm not about to neglect my charge. This is my Lord's gift to me; my life, my health, my sanity.

All who suffer, all who hurt, stand with me, and we will conquer the dark together. We fight! This is not madness! THIS IS SPARTA!
Well, at least some of me is still intact. Inserting something completely random, yet related, into the sentence.

Okay, so brief synopsis: I hurt, I'm recovering, I'm not giving up.
I'd just like to ask all of you who are so inclined to please keep me in your prayers, 'cause God's the one who's gonna make the change in me.
He's the only one who can heal my soul.
He has blessed me with so much. So many wonderful friends, my family, my gifts and talents....

Anyway, I'll be back to my crazy self soon.
I just thought that I should post about the state I've been in, cause it is, after all, my blog.
And I needed to get it out anyway. I feel better now that I've put it all down in words.

There's this song that I heard a while back. It's not like me to post something like this, but it's a good song. I remember one of my mom's friends gave my mom a CD with this on it. I loved it because it was probably the coolest rock that I'd heard at the time.

Yes, I am posting something by BarlowGirl. And you know what? I don't care. It's a good song, and I just felt like posting it. Because I can.

Anyway, I'd better be getting back to my homework.
Adios, amigos!
T-WAC