Innocence is gold....

Well, it's Patar again.

For those of you who recall (from the beginning of this blog) Patar has always been a little bit of an unintentional troublemaker.
He's eight now, but it seems like only a few years ago when he was zoning out and cussing unintentionally. Come to think of it, that's probably because it was.
But anyway.
It was a short time ago when he said something else that made me laugh.
Now, my mother enjoys a TV show entitled "Criminal Minds" which is about the investigation of serial killers, sociopaths, antisocials, pedophiles, human trafficking rings, etc.
I do not watch it, because it injures my hope in humanity to see, even in acting, one human inflicting pointless and wanton pain on another for the sheer enjoyment of it as the victim is violated and stabbed repeatedly, as the killer laughs at the screams of agony and the bleeding. Sadism sucks.
Anyway, because of the subject matter, Patar is quickly shooed out of the room every time he ever-so-eagerly tries to catch a glimpse of the television screen.
One evening, I had just shooed him out, and we began to converse about the show. I mentioned to him that I didn't like watching it.
"It gets rather disturbing in places," said I, as we walked into the living room of my house. "I don't like the violence."
"I haven't seen any of that," replied Patar casually. "All I've seen on that show are people standing there talking about stuff."
Pretty typical of "Criminal Minds".
If someone's not being brutally murdered or kidnapped, there's lots of talking.
I nodded in understanding.
I was not expecting what I heard from Patar next, however.
"...and then there was once where there was this bed, and then a boy fell on top of a girl on it." Patar's face displayed a befuddled expression. "Isn't that weird?"
I don't know what it was, the complete nonchalant way he brought it up, or the genuine lack of understanding in his voice. One way or another, his expression became even more befuddled when I burst out laughing.
"Isn't it?" he asked again. It didn't seem to occur to him to ask what I was laughing about. I continued laughing for a while before finally answering. "Yes. Yes, that is very weird."
He looked at me strangely, then went upstairs to get in his pajamas, as I managed to stop myself from laughing long enough to inform Mom and Banana of what had just happened, both of whom responded in largely the same way I had.
Oh Patar... that quote will go down in the books much like when he said that his-
...never mind.
That is definitely a topic for another post.

T-WAC

Three more weeks, Campbell. Three more weeks....

First off, I want to express the fact that I am feeling MUCH much better than I was a while ago. That's a good thing.
Second, I want to say that I AM DONE with school. No, the semester hasn't ended. It's just that I've been running since the spring (that's right, through the summer too) and I'm ready to plotz, as it were. I'm going to push out my best performance for the coming three weeks, and then I'm going to crash at home, hang out with friends, sleep, eat good food, write music, sleep, enjoy christmas music, hang out with friends, sleep, go walking, explore my town, sleep, etc.

Man, I haven't written music in a while. I haven't had the time. Once school is over, I am totally get back to writing lyrics, and finishing the songs I have.
So far, I have:
"Love Another Day" -- Kind of soft-rock-ish. I wrote it in February last year I think, to get myself through a hard time. I have almost finished editing all of the parts, and I wanna add in a string section, but that doesn't have to come right away. It's really really close to being finished.
"Bitter Cold Night" -- Dissonant, hard rock. I wrote it while I was in denial about something last year. I kinda abandoned it for a while, but have come back. I'm hoping that will be another one I can come closer to finishing over the break.
"Bliss" -- A working title. Basically, it's about wanting to be in a relationship, but not being able to. I haven't finished the lyrics yet. I need a second verse and a bridge. Again, soft-rock-ish. I wrote it over the summer. I have a relatively good idea of where the music is going, but it still needs work.
"Stay Awhile" -- I'm not entirely sure how this will be. It's about a relationship I was once in, and it's kinda something I really don't wanna look back on right now. I'm not sure. I might continue it, I might not. As it is, the lyrics need editing. The bridge speaks too personally to the situation that I was in for me to be comfortable with it. Other than that, I have a relatively well developed piano part, and a solid chord progression.
"Child With A Knife" -- About a girl I met at the beginning of last fall. She was rather... troubled, we shall say. I believe I may have posted about her last year somewhere. I'm not sure whether I want to continue this either, but I like the musical sound. Unfortunately, singing with the piano part has proved to be difficult.
"Laughing At Nothing" -- The one relationship song I've written. It's basically about finding someone, being able to let go of the past, and loving them for no other reason than because you want to. I have no idea where this is going musically, but I'll figure it out eventually.

I think I have a few more, but I don't remember now. I know it's kinda weird to forget your own projects, but hey, it happens.

I've also decided what my image as an artist will be. I'm going to be a completely normal person, as weird as that sounds. I'm gonna walk up on stage in jeans and a t-shirt, and I'm going to sing about my life. I'm going to sing about everything. My pain, my joy, my love, my sadness, my happiness... you name it. I want to portray a real human being, because that's all I am, all I ever will be, all I want to be.
That means that I'll have to start to write relatively happy songs. My original aspiration was to be a rock artist, so I wrote lots of depressing lyrics. And, save for romantic love, it's kinda hard to find really happy stuff to write about. But then, I found it hard to write depressing songs at first. I thought, "Hey, my life really doesn't suck that much -- what's there to write about?" I found stuff, though. So there is hope. There is always hope.

Anyway, that's all, folks. Gotta get up at 5:45 tomorrow morning to catch a bus.

With much sincerity,

T-WAC

Another very short post.

Just letting you all know:

I can't even begin to describe the peace I'm feeling since I made last night's decision.

Awesomeness.

T-WAC

A decision I've made regarding my love life....

To whom it may concern (because I feel the need to be all formal and crap):

Lately, I have been having a lot of distress regarding my love life.
We all have people we "like", and I am no different, but UNFORTUNATELY, I am in no shape whatsoever to even attempt at being in a relationship. It would be too much stress to put myself under, given current circumstances (school, emotional state, etc.). Yet, still, I continue to experience strong desires for a romantic relationship. It depresses me, because I really want to follow these desires, but at the same time, I know that I can't, and it's kinda tearing me apart. I mean, you guys know what liking someone is like. It's insane.
I've kinda been stuck on this for a while, and it's really been driving me crazy.
Then, today, a solution came to me.
This is going to sound really odd, and really rather daft.
I began to turn this solution in my head, and it seemed plausible, so I mentioned it to Banana, who thought it was a good idea, and I'm now thinking this is the best course of action.
Ahem.
Okay, you know those stupid "challenges" you see online? Y'know, thirty-day song challenge, thirty-day photo challenge, etc.
What I'm planning is sorta like that. But not really.
I'm calling it the "Forever alone challenge".
I am going to be single for the next year.
...
Yes, I know I'm probably sounding like I'm way off my rocker here.
But it's kinda the only way I think I can set things at ease.
Essentially, this decision is not based on analytical reasoning. It's more based on what my heart says. My heart says that being in a relationship right now would not be a good idea. The thought of committing myself to someone right now terrifies me. And though I do desire to follow my romantic feelings, I know that anyone whom they are for deserves someone with their head more securely fastened onto their shoulders. Further, I think it would be worth it to wait until there's actually a decent chance that I could contribute to the upkeeping of a mature relationship, rather than trying to rush into it, when I know well that I'm not ready to try to take that step. I acknowledge that the feeling is one of the most pleasurable things, if not the most pleasurable, that I have felt in my existence on this earth.
Yet, I think that, without the security of a mature relationship, these feelings are meaningless.

Also, this time will give me a while to turn my eyes upon my relationship with God. Without Him to fill that hole that only He can, I'm only gonna try to fill it with other things, and that is totally gonna end up sucking. Once my feet are firmly planted in a strong, loving relationship with Jesus, I will be able to form a solid relationship with another human. Once I am rooted in Jesus, I will also have the wisdom and love to be able to be a stable, reliable father for my children, if God chooses to so bless me.

Despite this decision, there will be a loophole, however; if, at any time, during this period, I feel as though my heart is leading me to someone, my heart says it's right, and more importantly, God gives me the thumbs-up, this resolution will end. By my heart, this resolution begins, and by my heart, it will break.

On this day, November 4th, 2012, I have decided that I be single until November 4th, 2013, unless I am called to be otherwise during this period.

Anyway, I'm posting this here, and on Facebook, to see what you guys all have to say.
What do you guys think? Does my decision make sense? Am I crazy?
I know some of you know me personally while others only know me as T-WAC on Blogger.
Regardless, I'd like to hear from any of you.

I know this may sound a bit wild, but I think it's the best thing for me right now.

Sincerely,
T-WAC

Thought I should share this....

Hey again. I know I just posted yesterday, but I'm back.
I happened to discover this album a little while ago, and figured I should share it.
It'll be released during February of next year, I believe, according to their facebook page.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Tl2ziT_j3s

It's called "Bringer of Light" and it's by the band Damnation Angels. It's by far one of the most epic symphonic metal albums I've heard. The lead vocalist is absolutely amazing, and he's become one of my all-time favorite singers. He's the same singer who sang the cover of Dream Theater's "The Spirit Carries On" that I posted a while back.

I don't know how many of you want to listen to an entire album, but it's worth it, really. I would post a few of the best songs on here, but some of them aren't available in separate youtube videos.
Here's the first song I ever heard by them.

Yes, it's long, but it's amazing.

Here's another one.

Also absolutely amazing. It's shorter, but still long. Both are worth every minute, though.

Anyway, I'll be back sometime in the future.

See you later,
T-WAC

Depressed

Well, I'm depressed again. And I have to say, it does suck.
I don't like waking up to negative thoughts, constantly feeling inadequate, and overthinking stuff.
I was depressed for three weeks, and then I decided I was sick of it and wasn't going to be depressed anymore, but then, strangely, it ended up coming back. And that sucks, 'cause it usually doesn't do that.
I mean, I don't have anything of clinical significance. Yet, anyway, 'cause it seems to be heading in that direction. My eating habits and sleeping habits haven't been perturbed in any noticeable way (aside from that which results from school), and I haven't completely lost enjoyment of pleasurable activities. I have, however, found myself to be down the majority of the time, have become exceedingly restless, even irritable, and it has affected my cognitions, which is by far the scariest thing it's done.
In a dark world where you can't even control your own mind, you really begin to see the value of having close friends and parents who are willing to listen to you and actually get what it's like. They're also the ones that point out when I'm not thinking straight. It's really nice.
I can't say I'm surprised that this is happening. I have an incredibly strong genetic predisposition (both sides of my family have histories of mood disorders), and, according to the diathesis-stress model, the stressors that I experienced last year (I have spoken a little of them on this blog, I believe) were very likely to trigger my genetic predispositions. I know I haven't said much about what happened that has made me a bit... less happy, we shall say. I may get into that later. I don't know.
Let's just say I didn't listen to my heart and got screwed over. But that's a topic for a different post.
Anyway, I should probably post about what school's been like (I know I haven't been posting at all) but that's a topic for a different post. It's really late, and I shouldn't be awake right now.
I've got lots of homework to do tomorrow.
Oh, before I go, I think I'll leave you with this song. It's absolutely beautiful, and it's by one of my favorite bands on the planet.

Goodnight, everyone.
Happy awesomeness (hey, whatever, it works).

Until next time,
T-WAC